Oliver Stone is a FUCKING HACK.
Jan. 17th, 2005 10:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gogmagogWell, as a break from more grad school application work (WILL IT NEVER BE OVER?) I dragged my parents to Alexander at the dollar theatres.
Film Review, Alexander
The movie starts with a seemingly endless narration from Anthony Hopkins, as Alexander's successor Ptolemy. Basically, the movie centers around Alex, the heir to the throne of Macedonia (a Greek country where everyone speaks inexplicably with an Irish accent). He's pampered by his creepy-ass, snake-handling scheming mother Olympias (played by Angelina Jolie with a Russian accent, WTF?) and yelled at by his one-eyed, crazy-ass drunk father Philip (Val Kilmer with a ridiculous beard), which as you can imagine gives him a bit of an Oedipal complex. But never fear, because he gets all thelovin' love he needs form his friend Hephaestion.
Fast-forward a few years, when Alex goes from being played by a relatively winning little kid to being played by Colin Farrell with the dyejob FROM HELL. No, wait, fast-forward a few more - because God forbid we should actually SHOW anything of interest. So we go from teenaged Colin Farrell falling out of favor with his father to Alex facing Darius, everything in between (Philip's death, Alex becoming king, Alex pacifying the Greeks, Alex conquering most of Persia) is covered in like five minutes of Anthony Hopkins voiceover. And yes, it's as bad as it sounds.
Anyway, Alex beats Darius, in a badly shot and edited battle sequence that leaves it unclear who's winning or losing until after it's all over. Weeping at the slaughter (even though, y'know, they ignore the fact that this is like his umpteenth battle), he's comforted by Hephaestion, now played by a draggle-haired Jared Leto. And oh yeah, they're pretty obviously gettin' it on by now. Anyway, Alex goes into Babylon, enjoying his new conquest before going off to hunt down Darius, and later Darius' killers. Then he drags them all off through the rest of the Middle East en route to India. Somewhere along the way, he meets the dancer Roxana (Rosario Dawson) and marries her before a cringeworthy "rough" sex scene in which Alex and Roxy growl at each other before ripping each other's clothes off, and then she tries to kill him but can't because OMG SHE LOVES HIM!!1! (I find it interesting how she's naked except for some strategically placed body paint, but he gets to keep his pants on. Oh well, he shows his ass later, so I guess they're kinda even.) Anyway, the movie makes it clear that he's only doing her out of some misplaced feelings for his mother (which is creepy, but let's face it, his mother is Angelina Jolie, so that makes it a little more understandable).
Alex lets the power that comes with ruling most of Asia go to his head and kills one of his trusted lieutenants, which then sparks a long and out-of-place flashback to his father's death (though at least we're finally getting some of that in-between material). After that he drags the men to India, where they mutiny. He kills the mutineers and drags the rest into an ill-advised battle against the Indians in which both he and Hephaestion are wounded. A recovering Alex finally announces, after seven years, that they'll be returning home. En route, though, Hephaestion is killed by the typhus, leaving Alex so grief-stricken he allows himself to be poisoned by his lieutenants. We end with some more maundering by good ol' Ptolemy.
As you can probably tell, the writing and pacing were rather horrific. (Oliver Stone, YOU SUCK.) Now some more specific comments on the performances...Colin Farrell was woefully miscast as Alex (both physically and talent-wise), and I'm sorry but there was no excuse for his bleached-blond mullet at the end. Jared Leto actually did a pretty good job as Hephaestion, though of course they had to femme him up (the long hair, the flowing robes, and for the love of God why did they kohl up his eyes like Bette Davis?). As for poor Rosario Dawson, she spends about half of her screentime with her boobs exposed (they are quite nice boobs, though). Angelina Jolie did a pretty good job, though she sounded like a Bond girl, and Val Kilmer did what he could with what he had (which wasn't much).
I have to give especial attention to the gay in this movie, though, since it's such a large part of the movie. (It's one of the two parts of the movie that are at all convincing; the other are the Olympias scenes.) In case you were wondering, while they never show a kiss between Alex and Heph, they do make it abundantly clear that Heph is the great love of Alex's life, and that they're doin' more than playin' chess even though they never show it. (And they do show a kiss between Alex and the eunuch Bogoas.) Jared Leto does a pretty good job of playing the concerned lover; Colin Farrell, not so much (he's not a very good actor, I'm beginning to think).
Anyway, I'm glad I didn't pay full price for the film. I'd recommend seeing it once on DVD, but you probably won't want to see it much more than that unless you really like Jared Leto or Rosario Dawson's boobs.
Film Review, Alexander
The movie starts with a seemingly endless narration from Anthony Hopkins, as Alexander's successor Ptolemy. Basically, the movie centers around Alex, the heir to the throne of Macedonia (a Greek country where everyone speaks inexplicably with an Irish accent). He's pampered by his creepy-ass, snake-handling scheming mother Olympias (played by Angelina Jolie with a Russian accent, WTF?) and yelled at by his one-eyed, crazy-ass drunk father Philip (Val Kilmer with a ridiculous beard), which as you can imagine gives him a bit of an Oedipal complex. But never fear, because he gets all the
Fast-forward a few years, when Alex goes from being played by a relatively winning little kid to being played by Colin Farrell with the dyejob FROM HELL. No, wait, fast-forward a few more - because God forbid we should actually SHOW anything of interest. So we go from teenaged Colin Farrell falling out of favor with his father to Alex facing Darius, everything in between (Philip's death, Alex becoming king, Alex pacifying the Greeks, Alex conquering most of Persia) is covered in like five minutes of Anthony Hopkins voiceover. And yes, it's as bad as it sounds.
Anyway, Alex beats Darius, in a badly shot and edited battle sequence that leaves it unclear who's winning or losing until after it's all over. Weeping at the slaughter (even though, y'know, they ignore the fact that this is like his umpteenth battle), he's comforted by Hephaestion, now played by a draggle-haired Jared Leto. And oh yeah, they're pretty obviously gettin' it on by now. Anyway, Alex goes into Babylon, enjoying his new conquest before going off to hunt down Darius, and later Darius' killers. Then he drags them all off through the rest of the Middle East en route to India. Somewhere along the way, he meets the dancer Roxana (Rosario Dawson) and marries her before a cringeworthy "rough" sex scene in which Alex and Roxy growl at each other before ripping each other's clothes off, and then she tries to kill him but can't because OMG SHE LOVES HIM!!1! (I find it interesting how she's naked except for some strategically placed body paint, but he gets to keep his pants on. Oh well, he shows his ass later, so I guess they're kinda even.) Anyway, the movie makes it clear that he's only doing her out of some misplaced feelings for his mother (which is creepy, but let's face it, his mother is Angelina Jolie, so that makes it a little more understandable).
Alex lets the power that comes with ruling most of Asia go to his head and kills one of his trusted lieutenants, which then sparks a long and out-of-place flashback to his father's death (though at least we're finally getting some of that in-between material). After that he drags the men to India, where they mutiny. He kills the mutineers and drags the rest into an ill-advised battle against the Indians in which both he and Hephaestion are wounded. A recovering Alex finally announces, after seven years, that they'll be returning home. En route, though, Hephaestion is killed by the typhus, leaving Alex so grief-stricken he allows himself to be poisoned by his lieutenants. We end with some more maundering by good ol' Ptolemy.
As you can probably tell, the writing and pacing were rather horrific. (Oliver Stone, YOU SUCK.) Now some more specific comments on the performances...Colin Farrell was woefully miscast as Alex (both physically and talent-wise), and I'm sorry but there was no excuse for his bleached-blond mullet at the end. Jared Leto actually did a pretty good job as Hephaestion, though of course they had to femme him up (the long hair, the flowing robes, and for the love of God why did they kohl up his eyes like Bette Davis?). As for poor Rosario Dawson, she spends about half of her screentime with her boobs exposed (they are quite nice boobs, though). Angelina Jolie did a pretty good job, though she sounded like a Bond girl, and Val Kilmer did what he could with what he had (which wasn't much).
I have to give especial attention to the gay in this movie, though, since it's such a large part of the movie. (It's one of the two parts of the movie that are at all convincing; the other are the Olympias scenes.) In case you were wondering, while they never show a kiss between Alex and Heph, they do make it abundantly clear that Heph is the great love of Alex's life, and that they're doin' more than playin' chess even though they never show it. (And they do show a kiss between Alex and the eunuch Bogoas.) Jared Leto does a pretty good job of playing the concerned lover; Colin Farrell, not so much (he's not a very good actor, I'm beginning to think).
Anyway, I'm glad I didn't pay full price for the film. I'd recommend seeing it once on DVD, but you probably won't want to see it much more than that unless you really like Jared Leto or Rosario Dawson's boobs.
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Date: 2005-01-18 06:24 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-01-18 08:38 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-01-18 01:22 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-01-18 02:02 pm (UTC)Seriously, it was SO FUNNY at the end of the movie, after Alexander is poisoned. Stone gave Ptolemy this long tirade about how we can't handle dreamers and so we feel the need to tear them down and destroy them. It was pretty clear in that analogy that we were supposed to realize that OMG, Alexander = Ollie. xP
(no subject)
Date: 2005-01-18 08:20 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-01-18 04:42 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-01-18 08:20 pm (UTC)