My eyes are rolling in their grave
Feb. 8th, 2004 08:55 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gogmagogWell, finally watched First Knight (as part of a group project for my Arthurian Legends class). And, well, I've seen Renaissance Festivals more accurate. Aside from the disgustingly high number of anachronisms (windmills? crossbows? speedboats?), the plot was...well, it stunk. Richard Gere as Lancelot...think "An American Gigolo in King Arthur's Court." Julia Ormond played a very revisionist Guinevere ("OMG grrl power I can do anything...oops! Lanciepoo, save me! I've been captured! And again! And again!"). And Arthur...well, it's sad when Sean Connery can phone in a performance and this movie is still unworthy of it. The movie, of course, can't decide whether it wants to be a gritty Dark Ages chronicle or an airy medieval romance.
Brief summary: Lancelot is a medieval cowboy, roaming from town to town as a sword for hire. Like Yul Brynner in The Magnificent Seven, only with really ratty-looking hair. Ninnyvere of Moronesse...er, Guinevere of Lyonesse is a tomboy who agrees to marry the king to keep the evil Malagant from attacking her lands. Malagant attacks her on her way to marry Arthur, and Lancie saves her (after an escape from a speeding stagecoach...er, carriage). There's sparkage - or at least the film wants us to believe there is - before she goes back to her escort. She goes to Camelot, where the knights are inexplicably dressed in 19th-century Prussian uniforms, and goosestep like they're late for the Nuremberg Rallies. In fact, Camelot in general looks like the Magic Kingdom castle from Disneyworld. Lancelot goes there as well, and runs through a Rube Goldberg-style, Indiana Jones-esque contraption called the Gauntlet, to earn a kiss from Ninnyvere. But wait! That night, Ninnyvere is kidnapped by Malagant's henchmen due to her own stupidity, in a speedboat (!) and Super-Lance must save her! He chases her to Malagant's fortress, which is built out of a cave and looks like Sam and Frodo should be entering the scene to destroy the Ring of Power. Malagant (henceforth known as Snidely) imprisons her, but OMG Lance saves the day!!1! They escape by jumping down a waterfall, and have a flirty drinking fountain scene where he spills water all over her face and mouth. (I'll refrain from making any bukkake jokes.) She goes back, and Lance is made a Knight of the Round Table. (And guess who else is a KotRT? Wesley from Angel!) Anyway, they go off to fight Snidely, who's attacked Lyonesse, taking Ninnyvere along. They win. Back at Camelot, Lance wants to leave, Ninnyvere jumps him, and Arthur walks in. Oops. Lancie and Ninny are on trial, when Camelot is attacked by Snidely's men. They repel them, but Arthur dies in the process. Before doing so, he gives Lance his sword and his kingdom. So, basically, Lancelot cheats with his wife, and he makes him the next king? WTF? It's like, not only have they not read the Arthurian legends, but they've forgotten how actual human beings interact with each other. Anyway, the film ends with Arthur sailing off on a pyre, while King Lancie and Queen Ninny exchange meaningful glances (meaningful as in they mean "let's go back and shag like bunnies now that the old guy's out of the way!").
And, dear God, we have to do a class presentation on this piece of shit. Which means I have to watch it again. NOOOOOU!
Brief summary: Lancelot is a medieval cowboy, roaming from town to town as a sword for hire. Like Yul Brynner in The Magnificent Seven, only with really ratty-looking hair. Ninnyvere of Moronesse...er, Guinevere of Lyonesse is a tomboy who agrees to marry the king to keep the evil Malagant from attacking her lands. Malagant attacks her on her way to marry Arthur, and Lancie saves her (after an escape from a speeding stagecoach...er, carriage). There's sparkage - or at least the film wants us to believe there is - before she goes back to her escort. She goes to Camelot, where the knights are inexplicably dressed in 19th-century Prussian uniforms, and goosestep like they're late for the Nuremberg Rallies. In fact, Camelot in general looks like the Magic Kingdom castle from Disneyworld. Lancelot goes there as well, and runs through a Rube Goldberg-style, Indiana Jones-esque contraption called the Gauntlet, to earn a kiss from Ninnyvere. But wait! That night, Ninnyvere is kidnapped by Malagant's henchmen due to her own stupidity, in a speedboat (!) and Super-Lance must save her! He chases her to Malagant's fortress, which is built out of a cave and looks like Sam and Frodo should be entering the scene to destroy the Ring of Power. Malagant (henceforth known as Snidely) imprisons her, but OMG Lance saves the day!!1! They escape by jumping down a waterfall, and have a flirty drinking fountain scene where he spills water all over her face and mouth. (I'll refrain from making any bukkake jokes.) She goes back, and Lance is made a Knight of the Round Table. (And guess who else is a KotRT? Wesley from Angel!) Anyway, they go off to fight Snidely, who's attacked Lyonesse, taking Ninnyvere along. They win. Back at Camelot, Lance wants to leave, Ninnyvere jumps him, and Arthur walks in. Oops. Lancie and Ninny are on trial, when Camelot is attacked by Snidely's men. They repel them, but Arthur dies in the process. Before doing so, he gives Lance his sword and his kingdom. So, basically, Lancelot cheats with his wife, and he makes him the next king? WTF? It's like, not only have they not read the Arthurian legends, but they've forgotten how actual human beings interact with each other. Anyway, the film ends with Arthur sailing off on a pyre, while King Lancie and Queen Ninny exchange meaningful glances (meaningful as in they mean "let's go back and shag like bunnies now that the old guy's out of the way!").
And, dear God, we have to do a class presentation on this piece of shit. Which means I have to watch it again. NOOOOOU!
